I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
