remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
