no, he came in my armpit
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
