So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
