so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
