There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
