Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This baby is an asshole
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
