I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
