Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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