I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
