Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
