he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
found the other keg... it's in the tree
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
third nipple confirmed
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
