Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
