I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
