You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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