I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
