i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
