Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
