Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
