plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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