Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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