I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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