My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
