Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
