Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
