I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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