I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
