She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
