so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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