He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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