The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
