No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Less talking, more tequila
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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