are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We have started to decorate penises.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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