Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
