I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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