Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
