I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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