i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
