I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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