I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
God gave him joint rollers for hands
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
