Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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