when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
