I hate all girls vehemently.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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