I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
