Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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