oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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