How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
