I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
