So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
