I wanna bring you to show and tell
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
