I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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